Lost in LA

Things are still very uncertain here. I feel uncertain and just lost. My home is in disarray and work is in upheaval. The management company finally got it together. They replaced the window and the sliding glass doors in my unit. The next thing will be to demo the balcony railing and install the new one. It's going to be fabulous when it is done in three or four months. So I'm living in disarray until that time and hoping the project will be completed much sooner. And in the light of what happened to my friend I feel guilty bitching about my trivial problems.

My friend is slowly making her way back. Back to work, back to eating, back to the minutia of life. She feels guilty, guilty for doing these things, guilty for living. She feels everything is pointless and those things she once found so important are now meaningless. She finds herself afraid. She questions her faith and God. She talks, I listen, nod and we cry.

-Chel

Summer

Summer is almost over. I'm glad to see it go. It was a difficult summer for me. I was sick for the last 6 weeks and wound up in the ER twice. The last time Dolly was here on vacation and had to drag me to the ER. I was not a very cooperative patient.

I had the final doctor visit today where all my tests came back negative. Which is good. That's what we wanted. All he can say is we'll see. It's scary when they say we don't know what's wrong. I have little faith in doctors. I mean they are human and fallible. I did my own research and felt pretty sure I didn't have Crohn's Disease which is what this doctor was almost certain was wrong with me. And today the test results were negative. But there is still no diagnosis. Nothing that he will say that was wrong with me at least not for certain. I'm just better.

Then the worst part of the summer two weeks ago a very good friend's son was killed in a motorcycle accident. He had just turned 24 the week before. The news is so heart wrenchingly devastating that there are no words. There's nothing you can do to ease that pain. No words of comfort. No help. I think about her every morning and say a prayer that she find strength for the day. Her life is completely changed. How does one get up in the morning? And go on each day doing the necessary mundane things one has to do? The grief is so all encompassing nothing else matters. I envy those who believe in God and an afterlife, who find comfort in faith. People keep asking me how she is. What do you say? She's devastated beyond belief. I wish her peace. This is that nightmare you never wake up from. I wish her peace and the strength to go on.

-Chel