Hot and Cold

Yesterday I watched Unforgiven, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Secretary and Chinatown. It was a day for escaping. I didn't leave the couch.

I found Thanksgiving to be a little sad and lonely. I spent the day with my wonderful friends. My chosen family whom I love. But I miss being close to my family especially around the holidays. And then there is this whole situation with The Boy. It just feels so awful and icky.

Today I spent a lovely evening with Tweedledee. (Yes, there is a Tweedledum - we'll get to him later) We had a great time and then he put me in the car with a peck and sent me on my way home. He's done this before. It confuses me. The first time it happened I was really taken aback and upset.

I've been seeing him for a few months. And when it is hot it is really freakin' hot but when it is cold, like tonight, it is very cold. He was very affectionate but there is something there that I can't quite put my finger on. Another woman? Perhaps. We haven't had the "talk" yet. Gay? I'm pretty sure not. Inexperienced? I don't think so.

He is very tightly closed. I'm like a squirrel with a nut trying to crack him open.

Then there is Tweedledum (Em's roommate). For the record one of my girlfriends gave them these nicknames. I smooched him on Wednesday night. I know it was too much wine and a reaction to the whole awful situation with The Boy. I was feeling bad about myself so I dipped into my drug of choice, a new man.

Aye! So now what?
-Chel

Just let go

Today I am practicing letting go. It is almost two years to the day that I first discovered The Boy was cheating on me. It has been a difficult two years - on and off; off and on.

Well today is the day it is fin, over, done, no more. Today he found out that I am seeing someone. So that's it end of discussion. Even though our relationship has been over (for a while) I apparently committed the cardinal sin by seeing someone else. And he has cut me from his life.

It is beyond ridiculous. The first thing he did after telling me how "destroyed" he felt was to turn off my cell phone. So don't call me. I mean give me a fucking break. Oy, the drama!
-Chel

i'm tired.

Peace

I had a fabulous day off today. It was very peaceful. I think maybe I'm finally restoring some balance to my life. I had lunch with Jess. Who is still doing the unemployed actor thing. I don't really understand it all but hey it is her thing. She says she might have to take a part time job in retail. shudder.

I finally talked to the furniture guy who is holding my bedroom furniture hostage. He says it should be done and he's going to pick up a paint sample today. I should be able to see the paint samples tomorrow. uh huh. Another man promising me something. I'm not holding my breath.

I saw my eye doctor today who I love and always tells me how beautiful I am and offers to not fix me up with any of his friends because they are all schmucks. Well when I was leaving his office he gave me a hug and I went to kiss him on the cheek (what you don't kiss your eye doctor? it's an LA thing we kiss everyone here) he turned his head and kissed me on the mouth. BAH HA HA HA HA!! I don't hold it against him. I'd want to kiss me on the lips too.

And in a totally random topic. Why is it boys always know the minute you go from meh to hey, I kinda like you and begin dodging you at once? Stupid boys!!
-Chel

eats

Somedays I wish I didn't have to eat. I'd like to take a food pill and be done.

I just cleaned out the fridge, my face swaddled in a dishtowel breathing only through my mouth. I dislike wasting food. Especially if that food was once living and died to feed me. So I do pretty well. But it collects after a while, a bit of fish, potato soup, chili, moldy cheese, spinach, cheese sauce (I will most likely never make cheese sauce again. It was an interesting experiment.) lemonade, strawberry puree, and on.

I seem to go through cycles where I cook all the time, try new recipes, only want to eat fruit and veggies and then I won't cook for months. Right now I'm in the not cooking phase, which is why I tossed so much stuff.

I'm also in the not eating at home phase. I've been going out, seeing friends, working late and getting stuff on the run. Not good. I also haven't worked out in a while. And I've started having migraines again. Four in the past six days.

It's been a hard few days. I've been under a great amount of stress lately. Squish that in with the extremely late nights, poor diet and no exercise and you have four migraines. Sheesh! I'm all out of whack and my body is like okay enough! I hear you.
-Chel